A little about me

Well, I am going to finally try this. Blogging!! Woo Hoo!!

Okay, now that that is over with..... let me tell you a bit about myself. I am a thirty something married woman with 2 great kids, a girl and a boy. Wow- I do have the whole package. I really do. My husband is great. We have a very comfortable relationship and he is by far the best Dad I have ever known. So why am I blogging, you ask? Good question. I used to keep a journal, but honestly I would rather type. And sometimes I need other people to read my thoughts. It helps to keep them real.

I have been on medication for depression for about 5 years. I know some people believe this is a cope out. But I don't. I don't think any person should feel embarrassed for being on medication. I know I need it. If I go one day without it, I FEEL it, as does everyone around me. I guess my depression can best described as a feeling of hate for myself. It is like really severe PMS. You know that you are acting like a b**ch, but cannot help it. And you would, if you could. I have tons of things to accomplish, but will not do anything, I mean just getting out of bed is an achievement. I am unable to pinpoint the source of my problem, therefore I am unable to solve it. Why? Because there is no problem. I told you, my life is great. Depression hurts, it really hurts.

Even on medication I still have my bad days. That's NORMAL. I want to have feeling, you know. Today, well it ranks about a 5, on a scale from1-10. That's pretty good. Although I am avoiding all of my other priorities to write this. Hey- This is therapy... To get through day to day, we all need something to look forward to, right. Today, I am looking forward to a bicycle ride with my family and a wonderful dinner made by my husband. I am not looking forward to the overwhelming responsibilities listed: help with homework, clean up after dinner, clean my basement carpets, fold the 8 loads of clean laundry awaiting me(not kidding), put away the laundry... okay this can go on forever! And I do not get home until at least 5:00 pm. Hm mm... I wonder what I will put off.....


Okay so you may think this is boring and, well, depressing. Yes it is. But it is my life and nobody is perfect, right. Just wait until I get into my twice divorced, bipolar, recovering alcoholic mother. Is is true what they say.. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree?" Now that's depressing!

Jealous a bit?

My whole life seems to have involved jealousy is some way, but only from the women in my life. From the time I was born, I swear, my Mom was jealous of me. Wait- no- I think she actually hated me at times. She always said I looked and acted just like my Dad, whom she is now divorced from. Seriously, have you ever heard of a mother hating he child for that?? Okay, for any reason? Well this isn't a blog about how awful my childhood was. I mean, for the most part, it was pretty good. My Mom, did/does love us. She just loves herself a little more. Okay- I'll save the story for another post, I promise.

Back to the jealousy thing. My daughther, age 9, is jealous of me. When my DH went to the jewelry store to buy me a 10 yr anniversary ring, she would NOT even help pick it out- dead silence from her. My son, age 7, picked it out instead. What a good boy! She says things like "nice new (fill in the blank), Mom (rollling eyes)". This is all the time! I know, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but really it is. She is a great kid, and not deprived of anything, really. But it is just the insinuations that come from her, UGH!

For the past few years, I've become very close to this girlfriend of mine. I have known Lisa for a long time, but through our kids and boating activities we became close. Okay, I mean we did everything together. I should preface this by stating the fact that I have never and probably will never have a "best friend". I am one of those people who is very careful about labeling my relationships with others.

So if you've been reading, you already know I have 2 children. Well, having them has depleted my breasts, to say the least. I have thought about augmentation off and on for about 8 years or so. My husband said "no.. I love you just the way you are" and truthfully that made me feel great and frustrated at the same time. This past early summer, my DH was looking at the various catalogs I get in the mail at the new swimsuits and cute tops he would love for me to have. I should tell you also, that he is very anti-bra. Well when you have deflated bobies like me, a bra is a must. Yes, I hate strapless bras. I can never get any to fit properly, but I need the lift. So anyway I said " You know if I had bigger, fuller boobs I would not have to wear a bra..." He said "Seriously?"

Well that was it. I scheduled an appointment for a consultation and after that I made a surgery date. I could not wait to tell my friends, especially Lisa. She was going to be so excited for me! Well, guess what? She was so upset (crying, etc.) . I didn't know what to do. Our other friends were shocked. She said was was just upset b/c I didn't tell her I was even thinking about it, and I didn't involve her more. Huh? I was pi$$ed! I thought friends were supposed to be supportive of eachother. Well it didn;t take me long to figure out that she was so jealous. That was not my intention, but apparently that is what she thought. Our friendship has unraveled severly from there. I'm not sure there is hope for it anymore. I do miss having someone to vent to and gossip with. I should also say, I have appologized for upsetting her (in hindsight, I'm not sure why?). But she has not EVER congratulated me, or asked how everything went, or appolgized for being so nasty to me. At the very, I really expected some explanation from her. I mean we are/were friends, right? Now when we see eacthother, she acts as if nothing has happened between us. It's like a big elephant is in the room, but no one mentions it. This is driving me, and the majority of our mutual friends crazy. Sable, a great friend of both of us has tried to resolve things. The last attempt was to get us three couples together like the good old days. And we did have fun, lots of fun, in the past. All of our husbands miss hanging out with eachother. So this is the weekend we all get together. Sable believes Lisa needs to admit her mistakes as well. We all believe she will feel so much better. Oh yeah, did I tell ya... I just heard that Lisa had an augmentation this winter.... Hmmm. This will be an interesting Saturday night. Am I niave enough to think everyone deserves to be happy?